Here's this:

I've been thinking a lot lately. I have all the time in the world to do so, and it means I'm going to.

#1. I am lonely. I am bored. I am depressed. I feel so... out of place. I feel like I have no friends. The friends I had back home (yes, I said home) are few, because they weren't really my friends to begin with. I have Jami, Ashley, Amanda, Becca, Sara, Caisee, Danielle, and a few others that barely keep in touch... and of course Adam. And here... I... well... I talk to people on occasion... but mostly just Annie and my cousin Craig. And it sucks. I feel like a complete loser. I feel like my senior year is going to be spent as me being a loser. I don't want that, 8th grade I spent as a loser and almost committed suicide. I don't want what's supposed to be one of the best years of my life spent feeling like a complete failure.

#2. I can't wait to go. I can't wait to get away from what gets me so down. The second week in June, I'm gone. Sure, I'll come back for open houses and whatnot, but after graduation, and my open house... I'm leaving. I'm going to Port Huron, to be with Adam, to be with my best friend in the entire world Jami, to have a job where I start out making twice as much as I do now, to have another job where I'll be assistant manager, to have things to do, to just be happy.

#3. I don't want to hear that it's bad that I'm moving in with Adam. We're good kids. Plus, I'm serious about him. I want to marry him someday. We might be too young right now to get engaged and really get that serious about it (I'd like to at least wait until I'm out of high school and around people whose minds can wrap themselves around being hitched to one person the rest of your life)... but I believe it will happen. If we can make it through 15 months of getting to see each other once a month (exept this month we were lucky and got to see each other twice) for a couple days, we can make it through anything. I believe it. And plus, how would I know what he does that drives me completely insane unless we lived together? I can't wait to be with him every single day, just knowing he's there if I feel that I mentally can't deal anymore.

#4. I am really sick of being lied to. "I'll come visit you." "I'll call you." "We'll hang out." Blah blah blah. Get real. If you're not going to do something, please don't tell me you will. It only makes me get my hopes up.

#5. I am REALLY disappointed in a certain "best friend" I used to have. Last I knew, best friends were supposed to support each other, even if we didn't think what they were doing was best for them... best friends were supposed to give the other a call once in a while. I'm sick of being lied to by her... Nicole and I have known each other since the first day of kindergarten, and all she's done since I've moved back is criticize my life and compare herself to me. I'm sorry, but my friends are my friends. You can't choose them. I am in love with my boyfriend, regardless of whether or not you like him or think he's right for me. His family, my family, all the rest of my friends... they all think we're right for each other. Leave it alone. I am not skinnier than you or smarter than you on purpose. I was born this way. I don't do these things to make you jealous... it's me, it's how I've always been.

#6. We are growing up, whether you like to believe it or not. All these people that want to stay stuck in their high school ways need to get over themselves, especially if they've graduated and are moved on to college, the armed forces, or just a job. You can't keep acting like some high school kid that can screw off and still think you can pass in the real world. Things are happening to people around me that are just making me believe we are grown up, more and more every day. In less than 8 months I will be 18 years old. That means I'll be old enough to get married (which, my close friend Caisee is getting married next summer and I am a bridesmaid in her wedding). I'll be old enough to legally gamble (even though my dad did it for me tonight). I'll be old enough to vote (which I cannot wait for in 2008... we have to get a liberal president in!). I'll be old enough to do a lot of things that I'm not old enough to do now. Friends are getting married. Yes, my friends, not siblings of friends or anything like that.... Friends are pregnant (two of the girls and a manager, all of whom I love and am close with, are pregnant). I, of course, would not like the latter to happen to me until I am out of college, but all of this means that we are growing up. We're getting older. We're not little kids like we used to. And it's kind of freaky.

#7. I hate crying. I hate getting so depressed because I am so lonely that I cry on the phone for hours to Adam, to the point that I cry myself to sleep. I hate feeling left out, and when I am included, so out of place I'd rather just go home anyhow.

#8. I am worn out. Enough said on that subject.

#9. This summer sucks, to the point that I want school to start again. At least it will give me enough consistancy that I get out of the house and don't seat myself at the computer for hours on end doing nothing but throwing myself a pity party because I don't even have a car to get out and go for a ride in.








Anyway... Adam's taking the last 5 days off before we go back to school to come visit me. That means 3 weeks, then 3 days of seeing him, then 3 weeks, then 5 more days of seeing him... then a month. Oh well, I love him so much that being away makes seeing him feel so much better.



Thanks to anyone that has really been there for me when I need it.

And Becky: Bowling and McDonald's was by far the craziest thing that's went on in a while... good times, I must say.